My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.
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Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[at hardware store]
Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please
Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint
Me: *tips hat* *passes out*
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible