My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.

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Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.


My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please


Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.


I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.


Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.


[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*


My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible