Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
You Might Also Like
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.