@shawn_spree

My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.

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@TastyTuneTweets

Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.

@jimmyfallon

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

@DiamondGirl127

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please

@Vice_Queen

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

@Donna_McCoy

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible