No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
That’s enough internet for the day
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…