My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
You Might Also Like
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Sharon I have some bad news
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture