My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
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You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.