I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
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My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.