My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
You Might Also Like
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’m giving up for Lent.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.