Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong