My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
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It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.