@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

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@sammyrhodes

“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids

@SleazySli

[at a spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is SPELL.

Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*

Judge: Ribbit

@Marlebean

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

@BuckyIsotope

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

@copymama

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

@ThaJawn

Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10

Me: 10, 9, 8, I’m scared?

Surgeon: *whispers* You should be

Me: Wha *passes out

@salamingia

My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?