My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Sunday
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact