My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

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“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids


[at a spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is SPELL.

Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*

Judge: Ribbit


Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!


Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.


“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”


I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.


Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10

Me: 10, 9, 8, I’m scared?

Surgeon: *whispers* You should be

Me: Wha *passes out


My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?