*pokes sex life with a stick
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
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“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids
[at a spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is SPELL.
Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!
Put on my glasses….
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10
Me: 10, 9, 8, I’m scared?
Surgeon: *whispers* You should be
Me: Wha *passes out
My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.
Anyone need a roommate tonight?