My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.