boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.