My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent