Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.
“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Dear autocorrect. I will never mean “ I got that big sick energy”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”