@hippieswordfish WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat
@SlappNuttz My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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@hippieswordfish 
@shithoarder Thanks to Twitter
I can tell people I read.
@GordoHelio Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
@KKAlThani Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.
@funflaps dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
@WheelTod If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
@MisfitMuse So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.
@iamk1ts All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
@dafloydsta [first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
@Marlebean I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…