@CherBear162
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
@SlappNuttz
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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@CherBear162
@EyalTweet
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
@whiskeyinadram
Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
@Dad_At_Law
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
@HenpeckedHal
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
@bazecraze
It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.
@iatemuggles
“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille
@AllanForsyth
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
@TedInModeration
Dear autocorrect. I will never mean “ I got that big sick energy”
@Petote
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”