WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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Thanks to Twitter
I can tell people I read.
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…