@SlappNuttz

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

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@hippieswordfish

WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat

@GordoHelio

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

@KKAlThani

Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.

@funflaps

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

@WheelTod

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

@MisfitMuse

So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.

@iamk1ts

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

@dafloydsta

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…