Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
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So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.