My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
bro what is going on at twitter
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I occasionally drink every single night.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”