My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I’m tired tomorrow.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills