By the age of 30 you should have
1. $100 in your account
2. a knee pain
4. back pain
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?