My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger