My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.