@Beagz

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

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@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

@birbigs

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

@nyquills

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

@3sunzzz

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

@OutOfLeftField_

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

@mom_ontherocks

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

@jollyrobber

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

@InternetHippo

PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]

@AndyAsAdjective

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?