My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
fr
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.