My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Good news
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.