My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.


When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.


I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.


Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?


Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?


ah excellent, an update to this software i use. think i’ll select remind me in 4 hours twice a day for the next seven months


Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.


[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that


INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?

ME: are

INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit


[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall