Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
ah excellent, an update to this software i use. think i’ll select remind me in 4 hours twice a day for the next seven months
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?
INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Just a reminder, folks: