My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
You Might Also Like
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.