My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

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A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…


When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good.
No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface.
You too, ladies.


“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.


I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.


*braids your voodoo doll’s hair

Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA


Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*


Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”


Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:


*creaking sounds upstairs*

Me: Alexa, what was that!?

Alexa: This home was built on land sacred to the indigenous people, now the spirit of the Wendigo is here to drag you to your death

*creaking intensifies*

Me: *purses lips* Next time, just say ghosts