A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
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When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good.
No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface.
You too, ladies.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*braids your voodoo doll’s hair
Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
*creaking sounds upstairs*
Me: Alexa, what was that!?
Alexa: This home was built on land sacred to the indigenous people, now the spirit of the Wendigo is here to drag you to your death
Me: *purses lips* Next time, just say ghosts