My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
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7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
If only.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind