My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
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do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
every single time
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭