My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away