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@AmericanGent69

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

@rad_milk

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

@_squiggz

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

@MotherJonestown

STAGES OF DRUNK:

1. Wow. I can dance.
2. All hats look GOOD on me.
3. Shhh. Don’t wake up the cows.

@AndrewNadeau0

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

@TheWidowmakerX

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.

9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.

@novicefather

*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume