*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
You Might Also Like
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.