David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
STAGES OF DRUNK:
1. Wow. I can dance.
2. All hats look GOOD on me.
3. Shhh. Don’t wake up the cows.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.
9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.
*writes employment history on arm
*writes professional references on thigh
*writes email address on neck
*adds “resume” to resume