Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.
You Might Also Like
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Me socialising: terrible.
Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse
Me: Tell my family I love them
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.