Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!