My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.

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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose


her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous


Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.


Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.


I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.


*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*


Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse

Me: Tell my family I love them


Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.


I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.


I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.