My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me

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Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”


What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.


My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.


BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great


[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”


The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity


Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.


[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”


My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.