@DepressedDarth

My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me

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@ItsAndyRyan

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

@mrjohntofu

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

@nickwiger

[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”

@bridger_w

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

@Try2StopME

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

@WheelTod

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

@delusions_of

My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.