@DepressedDarth: My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me
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@nikkithecanuck: I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.
@AOC: Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.” Here’s what we have say about that:
@realHamOnWry: I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.
@AmericanGent69: Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever. Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.