My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

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If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.


[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir


The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger


A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]


Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.


Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.


“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture


“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.


My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.