When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Coworker: Did you spank your sons?
Me: Not a lot
Coworker: What about your wife?
Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.