@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

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@Brianhopecomedy

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

@trumpetcake

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

@primawesome

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

@UnFitz

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

@Mr_goose007

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

@TheBoydP

Coworker: Did you spank your sons?

Me: Not a lot

Coworker: What about your wife?

Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time

Coworker: …

@vultural

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

@3Snowbee3

I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.