If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.
My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me
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[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Wife: No reason.
Wife: Here, taste this.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
Migraine: Yes I am.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.