My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
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mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average