In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
You Might Also Like
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.
30 seconds left on the microwave
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone
do the space shuttle countdown
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]