My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

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In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.


I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.



H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.


Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.


Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.


When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.


78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.


coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.


30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown


*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]