My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
britain’s three elite institutions
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin