@squirrel74wkgn

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

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@EmissaryKerry

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

@cranny_boy

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

@lecalabara

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

@_RyanBryce

Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says “have you got any nut allergies” aye pal I’m planning suicide by donut

@Elizasoul80

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

@david8hughes

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

@dance_blessed

1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.

@bobvulfov

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

@CrockettForReal

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?