My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
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It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??
What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
If spiders ever figure out how to become ghosts, we’re screwed.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
brother: show us the ring!
me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i’m gettin married
when u want the conversation to end
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??