@squirrel74wkgn

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

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@Diversion50

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

@meganamram

It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??

@difficultpatty

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

@rolldiggity

1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”

@Dank_Pal

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

@captainkalvis

[engagement party]
brother: show us the ring!

me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i’m gettin married

@Megatronic13

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??