My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

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[when we’re a quarter of the way there]


Me: not yet Bon Jovi



We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.


guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?


You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.


It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.


Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !


My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.


I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.


[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT


I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.