@squirrel74wkgn

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

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@AbbieEvansXO

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

@danadonly

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

@Ideal_Victoria

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

@jaslakhmna

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

@Diversion50

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

@koalaslament

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

@abbycohenwl

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

@ColoChiver

I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.