My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
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[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
#oldknees
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.