My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
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Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
*limbos away from your hug*
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
And that about sums it up.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?