I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
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*weighs self after shaving
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey