My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

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I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..

And she said..

“The big hand is on the….”


HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling


Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.


Instead of “Add a comment” Twitter’s new quote tweet format should read, “Well, ackshually”.


The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today


Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.


I get nervous about DM’s asking if it’s me in video because:

1. I drink.
2. I sometimes dance when drunk.
3. I’m always white when I dance.


“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle


Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.


Iโ€™m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.