@causticbob

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

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@shot_of_cabo

I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..

And she said..

“The big hand is on the….”

@AnOrangeSNES

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

@NoogsCorner

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

@Henry_3000

Instead of “Add a comment” Twitter’s new quote tweet format should read, “Well, ackshually”.

@rachaelkelly18

The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today

@Howiesbookclub

Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.

@Shock_Monster

I get nervous about DM’s asking if it’s me in video because:

1. I drink.
2. I sometimes dance when drunk.
3. I’m always white when I dance.

@AnkCoupleTO

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

@iGreenMonk

Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

@skedaddle74

Iโ€™m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.