My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry