My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
went fishing caught a bass
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”