Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I’m a little confused.
Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?
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Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.
Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?
Me: Trying to summon my period.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.
Don’t concern yourself with how I got in your house.
Hey girl, how ’bout some head?
– Henry VIII
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.