Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Covid like
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?