My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I’m a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

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Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.


Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.


Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.


Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.


If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.

Don’t concern yourself with how I got in your house.


Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.


Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.


Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.


When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.