A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
You Might Also Like
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.