Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Netflix and you sit over there.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”