My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now