@daddydoubts

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

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@BabetteJones

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

@robyn_vo

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

@tiReynard

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

@LurkAtHomeMom

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

@Mom_Overboard

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

@behindyourback

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”