My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
#DesignFail
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Stop being racist to kettles.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.