My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
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The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Cinematography is my passion
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler