My wife once told me ” Mike you’re the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms”, which pissed me off because my names not Mike

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It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now


My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”


Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.


I would like to be Ratatouilled. where’s the rat who’s good at my job


Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep


Jesus gets more middle names as the day goes on.


Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex


Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.