My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.


QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?


me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god

apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-

me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!


Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please


[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper


[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11


They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.


If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.


The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK


I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.