@Social_Mime

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

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@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

@parsfarce

me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god

apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-

me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!

@lloydrang

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

@CornOnTheGoblin

[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11

@TheAlexNevil

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

@_Tempo11

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

@shutupmikeginn

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

@ddsmidt

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.