My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party