@JustMeTurtle

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

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@realHamOnWry

What did I learn today?

Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

@juliussharpe

I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”

@Kyle_Raney

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

@Poutymcgee

“THE PLATYPUS HERE TASTES LIKE SHIT! DO NOT ORDER IT!” I shout in the face of a confused and frightened old lady at the zoo.

@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

@shkeeber

My job blocked the Favstar website and I’m not sure if I should quit or take hostages.

Haha! Jk. I’m totally taking hostages.

@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

@sophielou

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

@LoSucks

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

@AmericanGent69

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy