What did I learn today?
Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“THE PLATYPUS HERE TASTES LIKE SHIT! DO NOT ORDER IT!” I shout in the face of a confused and frightened old lady at the zoo.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I’m not sure if I should quit or take hostages.
Haha! Jk. I’m totally taking hostages.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy