My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.