@JustMeTurtle: My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
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@ArfMeasures: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Wife: Let me do the talking Cop: No, I'll do the talking Me: Why is your wife even with you Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
@catstronomical: Me:Come in. It's not like I'm a serial killer. Him:*laughs nervously* Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
@mrgan: No one yums like Gaston Eats iced plums like Gaston Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
@TragicAllyHere: You don’t see enough ditches these days. If I want to pass out in a ditch I have to google “ditches near me” and look for one with good reviews and it’s a whole thing