My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
So true for me
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head