teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
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You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’
[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*