@GuyThe_Guy

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

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@mrfeelswildride

teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe

@HatfieldAnne

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

@SteveSuckington

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

@JohnFugelsang

Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’

@jazmasta

[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

@AGStr8upNinja

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

@thepaulahunt

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

@jonnysun

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

@the_hawlk

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*