My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
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God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home