My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.