My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
You Might Also Like
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*