@IGotsSmarts
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
@iwearaonesie
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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@IGotsSmarts
@s8n
If it’s 1 or 1000 sins you’re still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend
@DaHess1
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
@hollyfletcher
What even happened today?
@eliistender10
Mind blown
@squirrel74wkgn
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
@FredTaming
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
@PoodleSnarf
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
@DamienFahey
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
@brandonIee
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no