@iwearaonesie

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

You Might Also Like

@s8n

If it’s 1 or 1000 sins you’re still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend

@DaHess1

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.

@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

@PoodleSnarf

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@brandonIee

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no