My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Care for your back
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
When I snag the last meatball.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Breaking news:
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.