My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

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If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.


Damn, you know you’re getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile


A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.


I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.


When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.

Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.


Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use


If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.


Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!


the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters


Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”